Monthly Archives: January 2015

Headaches and Heartaches

SunRaysFromHeaven (2)When I first crashed my bike and hit my head, I was determined to heal quickly and return to work. I did everything my doctors told me to do – no television, no exercise, no reading, no listening to music, no cognitive stimulation of any kind. I sat in the sunshine in my backyard and tried to quiet my mind. I visualized my brain healing and I determined I would be well.

Twelve weeks later, random sparks lit up my brain, flashing in rapid succession, without coordination. And a constant vibration emanated from my head and flowed throughout my body. Although I tried, I could not will my brain to work. The more I tried to ignore my brain and just “push through it,” the more the sparks flashed and my head vibrated. I could not fight it, and I learned, instead that I must acknowledge the pain. If I ignored it, it invariably got worse – to the point that I wondered at times if I would ever find relief.

This week, I was reminded again of the need to acknowledge pain. A six day migraine paled in comparison to the heartache I felt. Emotional pain brought on by circumstances that I was powerless to control. An invisible force squeezed my heart and I felt I would be crushed. I could not will my heart to stop hurting.

So instead I cried.

I felt the pain. I acknowledged the pain. And, in the dark silence, I held my heart.

Too often, we try to bury our hurts. I once buried a lifetime of hurts. But, acknowledging the pain, allowing our tears to flow unimpeded, allows us to begin to heal. And after the earth is cleansed by the rain, the sun surely does shine again.



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Follow Heart

128123202229fkVPTen days ago, my husband and I welcomed in the New Year with a Sparkling Cider toast. “May we LISTEN to our hearts and FOLLOW where we are led.”

My single goal: LISTEN and FOLLOW.

Over the next several days, I was bombarded with messages about goal setting, positive thinking, making your dreams a reality, balancing the five areas of your life, you can be ANYTHING you want to be! Etc. Etc. Etc.

I started questioning my single goal. “Maybe I DO need more than one goal, I thought. A grander vision.” I pulled out my old goal binder where I had saved several years of carefully crafted goals – all dissected into bite-sized ten, five, and one year goals in seven areas: Intellectual, spiritual, physical, social, family, financial, and personal. Hundreds of little tiny steps.

SMART goals – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. I was the goal setting maniac. “I will have $1,000,000 in net worth by …” “My husband and I go to Alaska to celebrate our wedding anniversary.” “I complete my MBA program by June 30, 2007.” Yep, one down, 99 to go.

I pulled out my affirmation cards, “I give thanks that I am relaxed and feel peace as I go throughout my day.” “I love and approve of myself.” I had read my personal mission statement (or rather my personal mission page) every day in the mirror while I tried to internalize how I hoped to be remembered when I died. I read it again, and I was surprised to find that although I hadn’t looked at my mission statement for three years, I had indeed internalized many of the traits I identified as important long ago.

Three years ago, I set aside my goal binder and focused on healing – from the inside out. I focused on my heart.

Over the last ten days, though, I had an internal struggle and wondered if my heart was enough. Was it really OK just to listen to the messages God planted there and then to follow? Follow where I was led? His will not mine?

Thursday evening, as I closed my eyes and visualized what was important to me and what I hoped to accomplish, I was reminded again that heart is enough. Family. Christ. Angels. Love. All gifts of the heart.

“Yes,” I thought, “I will LISTEN. And I will FOLLOW.”

And peace returned.

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