The past couple of weeks have been filled with so much emotion – happiness, gratitude, peace, and love – followed by sorrow, pain, loss, and heartache. I think I have felt nearly every possible emotion as I have participated on radio shows, a blog tour, suicide prevention walks, a book signing, and a suicide survivors’ support group. At times I have felt very vulnerable and naked, having ripped off the mask that I wore in years past to cover up the tears. And at other times, I have been tempted to reach again for that same mask. But then I’ve heard the comforting words of angels whispering to my heart, “You are right where you need to be.”
I have received letters, emails, and phone calls from people who are hurting, and I feel their pain. And my heart hurts with them. I’ve hugged those who couldn’t contain their tears when they saw the words “Hope after Suicide” displayed on a big, bold sign, and I wished that I could remove the pain of our common experience. And yet I couldn’t hold back my own tears. And I’ve met people who have courageously shared with me their own stories of hope and have freely given to me from their hearts.
In years past, I tried to control each aspect of my life. I had one year, five year, and ten year goals. I made checklists and action plans to achieve each goal. And I faithfully checked off each item completed as if those completed tasks would be my bargaining chips when I finally met God. I have come to learn, though, that God has other plans for me. And the only task He asks me to complete is to follow where He leads me. One step at a time.
And so I will follow.
A favorite hymn of mine is “I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go,” by Mary Brown:
It may not be on the mountain height
Or over the stormy sea,
It may not be at the battle’s front
My Lord will have need of me.
But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.
I don’t pretend to know where this path will lead, but I know that God knows.
And so I will follow.
